maybe i need rest.

God I don’t know if it’s you changing so much or me changing but I don’t know what

to

do.

tonight i felt like i was at the verge of understanding something really great. which led me to an immediate phone call then an immediate hang up then realizing that the feeling had kind of left me but still remained. i had just had a lot of coffee. which explains why i’m still awake right now.

reading past blog entries is a really interesting thing to do.

stall out

i don’t understand Your love. i don’t understand how any of the things i’ve gone through really have made me who i am. and i don’t know what it means to seek you – knowing that all of the things that i succeed in during my life won’t even make a difference once i’m with You. I find comfort knowing that it’s not over. it makes the things that seem large seem very very tiny

the relearn.

in response to your comments: the reason why we keep learning things…why history seems to come back, why the Bible is still a living, breathing piece of literature that not only tells stories of our past but relates to us on a personal level…

Maybe it’s because we’re flawed. Maybe it’s because we are incomplete. There is a piece of our heart that we need – a piece that will give us answers and understanding, but we don’t have it. Maybe it’s because we need hope. Maybe God created us with a void so that we could look to Him to answer and look to Him for hope. We keep learning things over and over again because we simply weren’t created with the brain to do such…”His ways aren’t our ways. His thoughts aren’t our thoughts.” Maybe He created us, in the beginning, knowing we would be less than Him, then finding out that we needed Him and couldn’t find Him anywhere and sin was too easy to give in to and so we, humankind, at the beginning, from the apple until the redemption, felt that God was so inaccessible that we began to question. So God, the loving God, the terrifying – awe-filled God that He is, created a way for us to know Him more. So He sent Jesus, that we may know Him more. Leaving us with the Holy Spirit who now discerns our thoughts and teaches us the lessons of life over and over.

So maybe the fact that we are RElearning things isn’t so bad. Maybe it’s a gift. The Holy Spirit is in us and recognizing the Truth He offers is the gift that the God of Israel gave to us so that we will never fall away once we have confessed our lives in accordance to His will.

Wow. Maybe all these questions that are followed with half-answers are just followed with more?

when will i actually remember?

it’s like this dizzy spin of reflection and learning and relearning and remembering but seeing things for the first time but in a different way than the last time you learned it. yeah. basically what i’m trying to say is why do i have to keep forgetting then remembering the Lord’s promises? i found this interpretation of john 6:66 from a year ago:

“Because God knows that we mess up and doubt and fail and fall and give up and come back and trip again and then doubt more and then think we have it all figured out and then fall down again and then get back up and stand on two feet and then fall to our knees and then find ourselves in a continuous cycle of having faith and doubting and having faith again.”

song’s on repeat.

foggy morning

My heart’s not big enough to hold all of this love,
but you keep pouring out.

One of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. Cool Hand Luke might actually be the first Christian band I ever really liked. Aside from Jars of Clay of course.

Sometimes I question my faith. Sometimes it’s because this world is pretty tempting. And when you begin to lose your foothold you start slipping and sin makes it look a whole lot harder than it is to reset your eyes on our loving God.

I am blown away by the faithfulness of God. I am blown away by His understanding of our situation. Because when I climb a mountain and look out for thousands of miles I tremble at His greatness but when I finally let go of the fear and insecurity I am feeling He is right there to catch me. And it’s too much love for me to contain.